Coping with Criticism if You Suffer from Socially Anxiety Disorder

Social anxiety disorder is rooted in the chronic fear of being negatively judged or insulted. If you’re suffering from the low self esteem that partners social phobia then criticism always seems spiteful and upsetting because it triggers your self punishing, painful thoughts.

However, there shouldn’t be any reason for you to live in chronic fear of barbed comments if you can teach yourself how to respond objectively, and even be able to disarm insults like a master swordsman when they occur.

The isolation brought upon by social anxiety is normally partnered by depression and low self esteem. When you’re feeling rotten and worthless your thought patterns and emotions are shrouded in gloom by the black clouds that follow you around. This means that whenever anybody says anything degrading you’re likely to exaggerate its significance, take it to heart and incorrectly think it means you’re a worthless person.

How cognitive behavioural therapy can help

Thinking negatively and exaggerating the significance of the things people say is a thinking error brought upon by your depression, which prevents you from interpreting what people say in a realistic, objective manner.

Cognitive behavioural therapy teaches you how to identify the negative beliefs and thinking errors that make you get upset whenever you’re criticised. You can then learn to recognise unhelpful thinking errors when they occur and replace them with more positive, realistic thoughts.

This obviously sounds a lot easier said than done, and it can take many months to start changing the way you automatically think and feel. However, it has been clinically proven that it can be done, and CBT provides you with a goal orientated framework for overcoming your social anxiety a step at a time.

Once you’re able to assess the things people say more objectively you’ll then be able to apply a more logical approach to criticism and not take it so personally.

Learn how to interpret comments objectively

If there is an element of truth to someone’s comments then you should use it as an opportunity to learn about your mistakes and how you can correct your behaviour. You’re only human after all and will always make mistakes from time to time. And because you’re human you also constantly developing, so criticism can sometimes give you a few pointers to show you how to grow as a person.

On the other hand, if after assessing criticism objectively you think somebody is just being rude or insulting then their comments shouldn’t have the power to upset you. Why should you feel hurt or devalued because of somebody else’s mistake in judgement?

Remember that it’s not the things people say that can make you feel upset – it’s how you interpret them.

How to handle insults

In Dr David D. Burns’ ‘Feeling Good’ (a global bestseller which has shifted over three million copies) he teaches an ‘empathy and disarming’ technique for responding to insults without hurling them back or running home to hide under your bed covers.

Firstly, you have to emphasise with your attacker – objectively assess why they are attacking you. What is the basis for their barbed comments?

By listening and asking for clarification on why they are being insulting, you can calm them down by letting them know that you are listening and can prevent the situation escalating into full scale warfare.

Using empathy is an opportunity to understand if there is any basis to the insults, or if the attacker is just being offensive.

The next stage is to use the ‘disarming technique’ to defuse the situation without losing your temper or losing face. Simply find a way to agree with an aspect of what your attacker is saying, whether you believe it or not, and that way you can disarm their barbed thrusts with the skill of musketeer:

Attacker: ‘You’re a loser.”

You: “Well, I certainly make mistakes sometimes and I’m not the greatest sportsman. There’s certainly areas in which I could improve, but doesn’t everybody.”

Attacker: “You’re a skinny, stupid waster with nothing to offer anybody.”

You: “Yes I could certainly do with putting on some weight, I’m not going to be the world’s next Einstein and I could certainly apply myself better. But I have skills in other areas, just as everybody does, and I have lots to offer the people around me.”

By agreeing, if only partially, with their line of attack you simply take the air out of their sails and divert them from the collision course you’d be heading for if you were to fight fire with fire.

You feel the way that you think, so learn to change your negative thoughts

Being able to identify your positive attributes, rather than kick yourself over your weaknesses, is another skill taught by cognitive behavioural therapy, and is useful in being able to respond objectively to criticism and not take what people say to heart.

The key is to be able to react based on facts, rather than let disagreements deteriorate into name calling or a humiliating retreat.

With practice in learning how to respond in a more realistic, objective manner, you’ll find that the risk of criticism will no longer seem so terrifying, and your social anxiety will recede as a result.

Photo courtesy of Nika

Originally posted 2008-04-21 15:23:28. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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15 Million Americans Estimated to Suffer from Social Anxiety

It looks as though my overcoming social anxiety disorder website is nearly up and running at just the right time based on the recent news headlines.

In the results of a survey, announced in Businessweek, it was discovered that potentially 15 million Americans could suffer from social anxiety, with it damaging their ability to live fulfilling social and romantic lives.

The fear of encountering hostility or rejection from other people means that millions of Americans are living isolated from their peers.

Some of the findings included:

• 36% suffer from social phobia for 10 years or more before getting help.


• Most started developing social problems in their early teens.


• Nearly 60% feel ashamed of their condition.


• 75% felt their social fears affected their ability to engage in everyday activities.

However, there is a glimmer of light shining between the clouds that are covering so many people’s lives in gloom because the survey also found that nearly 60% were able to build happy love lives after receiving treatment.

We no longer live in the dark ages when it comes to social anxiety – with all the research and clinical studies from the last 50 years providing in-depth understanding into how the condition can be treated.

A combination of cognitive behavioral therapy, relaxation techniques and antidepressant medication can enable people to shed the shackles of their social anxiety and live happy, fulfilling lives.

It’s just a shame that so many people take so long to get help and lose active years of their lives in the process.

Which is why I started this website – to spread awareness on CBT and enable more people to be able to build fulfilling relationships with others.

Originally posted 2008-04-16 22:32:04. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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Why Negotiation is Like a Dance

[Picture courtesy of a4gpa]

Following on from previous articles, in which I discussed assertiveness and how to say ‘no’, I’m now going to discuss why you should add negotiation to your growing list of skills. As with overcoming many of the symptoms of social anxiety, negotiation is about maintaining a balance between being fair to yourself and fair to others.

Learn how to change your steps

Social interaction is like an intricate dance. When people want you to think or behave in a certain way they’ll perform steps, using persuasive language and gestures, for you to follow.

If you suffer from social anxiety then you probably fall in the trap of either being too passive, and obediently following their lead, or too aggressive, and refusing to dance altogether.

Being too passive or aggressive are not helpful modes of behaviour. If you’re infected with the ‘disease to please’ then people will take you for granted and might push you around. Whilst getting mad makes it difficult to think and behave logically, hampering your ability to persuade people why they should respect your opinions and priorities.

Learning to negotiate is about learning to nimbly change your dance steps so that you can prompt others to change theirs and have more control over your interactions.

It’s not about winning or losing

Social anxiety is driven by thinking errors that result from low self esteem and negative thinking. One of the common thinking errors is ‘all or nothing’ in which you believe that you and others must behave in a certain way. So if you have a disagreement with someone and want them to change their mind you think that you must persuade them to meet your demands or they’ve won.

It’s a mistake to think that life is about winning or losing. This extreme, inflexible approach is unhelpful and unrealistic. Demanding that other people should always fit in with your priorities, such as agreeing to immediately perform a task for you at work or walk your dog when you’re on holiday, is only going to lead to stress and frustration when people don’t meet your unrealistic expectations.

Instead of making demands that people must fit in with what you want, you should offer some leeway and be prepared to negotiate.

Successful negotiation is about being fair to yourself and fair to others in finding a solution in which you can both, at least partially, get what you want. Finding a balanced agreement is the constructive approach, rather than getting angry or frustrated from thinking that you have to get the better of the other person.

Try asking work colleagues what other priorities they have to attend to before they can perform your task, or arrange to split the dog walking with another neighbour.

Negotiation is finding a solution in which you both gain

When you enter into negotiation, whether it’s with work colleagues or friends, don’t try to get what you want by being aggressive, manipulative or demanding. Instead approach it as an intricate dance in which you’re trying to influence the outcome, but are also prepared to change your own steps to compliment your partner.

Negotiation is about finding a solution in which you both can gain, rather than an ugly confrontation in which you must either win or lose.

Originally posted 2008-05-19 12:37:16. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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Think you’re lazy? Here’s how to be more active to combat social anxiety disorder

[Photo courtesy of Ingorrr]

One of the (many) problems with social anxiety disorder is that it can affect your motivation to get out there and do things. The fear of negative evaluation by others might mean you prefer the safety of your bed, rather than face (usually misinterpreted) stares of disapproval.

However, human beings by nature need to be stimulated. And avoiding activities will simply make you feel worse rather than better. Being isolated can make you feel depressed. So the best antidote to changing the way you feel is to change the way you think and behave.

If you lie in bed all day waiting for the motivation/desire/energy to do something then you’ll be waiting a longtime. Instead you’ll find that doing literally anything other than nothing will raise your mood, boost your confidence and give you the drive to be more active.

Why am I so lazy?

First of all, don’t make the mistake of ‘labelling’ yourself ‘lazy’. As a human being you’re too complicated to define yourself by a single word or phrases. You might be lazy ‘sometimes’. But that doesn’t mean you have some sort of genetic imprint that prevents you from getting dressed and doing stuff.

Here are a few of the common excuses (particularly if you suffer from social anxiety disorder) that might pop into your head to avoid getting stuff done:

• ‘I don’t feel like it’ – it’s a myth to think that you have to wait to ‘feel’ like doing something before you can do it. It’s only after experiencing the rewards of achieving something that you’ll find the motivation to do more. Even little things, like cooking yourself dinner rather than eating dry toast, will improve your mood because of the beneficial outcome from your activity.

• ‘I’m too depressed’ – you feel the way that you think. So if you lie in bed all day staring at the ceiling tormenting yourself over your latest (perceived) social faux pas then you’re not going to feel like going on a 10k bike ride. The best way of fighting your depression is to change the way you think. Being active and pursuing fulfilling goals, whether it’s teaching yourself Spanish or learning to cook, is what will banish the black clouds in the long run.

• ‘I might fail’ – So what? Nobody is good at everything. And we all have our strengths and weaknesses in life. Thinking you shouldn’t play tennis or attend a job interview because you might not get the outcome you want is only going to be a self fulfilling prophesy. To get better at things you have to practice. And there are enough hobbies, sports and jobs out there for you to find one you get satisfaction from.

Remember that thinking you must win at something or must get the job is a rigid way of looking at things. You should give yourself some flexibility and have preferences for the outcomes you’d like rather than rigid success/failure demands.

So how do I get myself out of bed and combat social anxiety disorder?

A tried and tested method of beating the bedridden blues is taught by Dr David Burns in ‘Feeling Good’. He suggests writing out a time table for what you’d like to get done each day.

This can include the minor things, such as getting dressed and reading the paper, right up to shopping or attending a dinner party. At the end of the day you then rate out of five the satisfaction you found in the completion of each task. The easier tasks might only rate as a one, but the more demanding challenges could rate as a four or five.

What you should find is that the sense of accomplishment you get from scoring your activity each day will drive you to do more. Having a schedule also helps you to structure your time and keep yourself occupied.

Gradually, you should also find that you start pushing yourself to keep improving your score and pursuing ever more demanding tasks.

The list of things you could do is limitless. But here are a few ideas:

• Learn a new musical instrument


• Learn a new language


• Read a book (I’d highly recommend ‘Feeling Good’)


• Take up jogging (exercise is a great anxiety reliever)


• Start an eBay shop for some extra cash


• Decorate your bedroom to create a bright, warm atmosphere


• Learn to cook spicy Thai dishes


• Start writing a blog (doing something creative is always recommended for providing an outlet for expressing your social anxiety disorder)


• Practice meditating (also recommended for anxiety treatment)

So, if you’re currently lying in bed, feeling glum and reading this on your laptop – start writing a list of all the active things you could be doing.

Remember that you feel the way that you think. So start giving yourself a daily dose of uplifting brainwaves from pursuing fulfilling goals, and banish the bedridden blues for good.

[Photo courtesy of SqueakyMarmot]

Originally posted 2008-06-26 18:38:10. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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What Causes Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic and Fear of Strangers?

If you suffer from social anxiety then the fear of what people think can sometimes be overwhelming. Simple activities like walking into a crowded room or sitting near a group of strangers can be enough to set off your alarm bells and cause you to panic. Because you’re convinced people are judging you and talking about you. In the worst case scenario you might hear someone laugh, which of course you think is aimed at you.

If this sounds familiar then you’re not alone. Literally millions of people around the world suffer from social anxiety and panic in uncomfortable situations. It’s estimated that 10% will suffer social anxiety at some stage in their life.

Why do I suffer anxiety and fear of strangers?

There are believed to be a few reasons why you might have developed social anxiety and the fear of people you don’t know. The main causes are believed to be rooted in your childhood: growing up with anxious or overly critical parents; or bullied or neglected as a child.

The low self esteem these experiences can cause can mean that you’re always looking to win the approval of others. This in turn makes you feel anxious because you’re constantly worrying about what people think and whether they’ll reject you.

Can social anxiety be overcome?

Social anxiety is believed to be the third most common psychiatric disorder, after depression and alcoholism, and in recent years extensive studies have been conducted into its causes and effects. With a diagnosis comes treatment, and thousands of people have learned to overcome their anxiety and panic through a combination of:

• cognitive behavioural therapy (which teaches you how to replace your uncomfortable thoughts with more helpful ways of thinking)


• exercise


• relaxation techniques


• being more active


• medication (a magic bullet doesn’t exist for social anxiety. But a doctor can prescribe drugs that will take the edge off your sense of panic in social situations to help you change the way you think and behave and overcome your anxiety in the long term)

There’s an abundance of information to help you pacify your panic

When I’ve (finally) finished my Overcoming Social Anxiety eBook it will provide an overview of cognitive behavioural therapy and practical exercises you can use to gradually change the way you think and behave. And there’s already a wealth of information available in books and on the web to help you understand what social anxiety is and what strategies you can use to overcome its symptoms.

A particularly useful site (directed to by Ileana at the Beating Social Anxiety blog) is about.com’s Social Anxiety Disorder site. There’s plenty of informative articles on here to get you started in understanding your condition, and to help you realise that you’re not alone in experiencing panic in social situations.

Originally posted 2008-07-24 13:43:37. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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Finding the Best Stress Management Courses

As more people understand how harmful stress is, the need for courses on dealing with stress management has multiplied greatly. No matter who you are, stress can reduce your productivity and even threaten your physical health. If you can learn to manage your stress through a course, whatever it costs in time and money, will end up being a wise investment.

We’ll be looking into the value of this approach more closely in this article.

Many stress management courses are primarily focused on teaching people to relax properly in order to deal more effectively with stress. Some of the most effective stress management courses include things like yoga simply for the improved breathing exercises taught. Cognitive behavior therapists admit that patients see fewer stress symptoms when they focus on proper relaxation methods. Most people don’t realize that relaxation can be achieved for most people by learning how to breathe more effectively. Shallow breathing is one of the signs of a person under stress, which can sometimes make symptoms seem more severe. Many therapists will recommend muscle relaxation exercises designed to help manage stress more effectively, too.

The first option to try is a good exercise program, but individuals can find excellent courses for managing their stress online or through the mail, or other options are through large companies. It can make a huge difference in reducing stress if you make exercise a regular part of your life, even though it isn’t emphasized much when dealing with stress. You may get talked into a stress management program, and you may need one, but don’t let anyone keep you from believing that the best tool for managing stress is a vigorous exercise program. It helps you feel better physically, gives you more energy and helps keep you in a more positive mood.

If you are considering a program for managing your stress, why not try an exercise program first.

Customer testimonials for the stress management course offered by The Freeman Institute are very impressive and clearly show that this program works. Handling stress, and other aspects of running a successful business, are covered by many of the products that this company provides. The focus of this course is on teaching employees better skills when it comes to dealing with issues such as conflict, productivity, working in teams and making the most out of ones own natural stress management style. Practical tips and techniques are offered in the course which will actually help you identify and deal with anything that causes you stress while at work or elsewhere. Definitely worth a few minutes of your time, you might want to give The Freeman Institute a try. Stress can be very debilitating, for you and your employees if you have some, which makes handling stress the right way a very beneficial skill to learn. If you are feeling less productive, or sick and weak most of the time, it may have to do with the stress you are experiencing, something you have to take care of as soon as possible. It is in the best interest of you, your employees, and your business, if you learn to handle your stress; get a stress management course today.

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How To Be Assertive When You Suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder

[photo courtesy of aurevoirkatie]

Being asked to do favours and to help people out is just a part of everyday life. Whilst being able to decline requests if they’re too inconvenient isn’t a problem for most, if you’re socially anxious then being able to say ‘No’ is fraught with hazards. The trick is knowing how to be fair to yourself in assessing whether to do the favour, and then being assertive in how you respond.

Being assertive is simply being able to voice your own opinions and feelings firmly so that they’re considered fairly by other people. If you suffer from social anxiety then this can be easier said then done because of the fear of displeasing people and being rejected if you don’t fulfil their demands.

Rather than risk being viewed negatively as selfish or unhelpful, you can feel forced into saying ‘Yes’ even when you think a request is an unreasonable drain on your time and energy.

Avoid the unhelpful extremes of passivity or aggression

The problem with being too passive and always fitting in with what others want is that some people will take advantage of your desire to ‘always be nice’ and will simply heap greater demands on you. This in turn will lead to you getting mad with yourself because you’ll feel that you’re constantly running around at other people’s beck and call.

The other extreme is to respond aggressively to unreasonable demands in the false notion that anger equates to strength. When you’re behaving aggressively you lose the ability to think or act rationally, making it even harder to express why you think the request is unfair.

Raising your voice and trying to be intimidating can also have the reverse effect of making other people become aggressive themselves, and the situation deteriorate into the sort of ugly confrontation you’d normally be desperate to avoid.

Relying on anger to protect yourself against unreasonable demands is not how to make friends or influence people.

Assertiveness is about being balanced

As with overcoming many of the problems associated with social anxiety, being assertive is all about being balanced in your thinking and behaviour, and staying away from the extremes of passivity or aggression.

Whether you’re asked to cover for someone at work, lend people money or run errands for them, when people make demands you need to objectively assess the fairness of the request being made. Your feelings, opinions and time are just as important as everybody else’s, so you need to consider whether the requests being made of you are fair. Would you feel comfortable asking someone else to do the same thing?

If after assessing the request and you think it’s unreasonable, because of a high personal cost in terms of time and energy, then in order to be fair to yourself you have to be able to say ‘No’. As long as you’re fair and objective, saying ‘No’ doesn’t mean your selfish or uncaring.

However, actually being able to say ‘No’ presents many challenges in itself. I’ll be offering advice on developing assertiveness skills so people accept your decision in my next article.

Being assertive isn’t about winning, but about getting your point across and ensuring your own opinions and feelings are considered fairly, because they’re just as important as everybody else’s.

Originally posted 2008-05-05 18:17:15. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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